How to Give a Cat a Pill

An amusing read, especially if you have pets.


How to Give a Cat a Pill

An oldie but goodie...




1. Pick up cat and cradle it in crook of left arm as if holding a baby.



With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs



2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.



Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.



3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.



Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen.



4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.



Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of dresser.


Call spouse in from the garden.



6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.



Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod.



Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8. Wrap cat in large towel; get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.



Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.



Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leaving just the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.



11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.


Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.



Apply cold compress to cheek and check health records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.



12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.



Take last pill from foil wrap.



13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.



14. Consume remainder of scotch. Ask spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.



Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.



15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.


16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.


17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).


18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.


19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time.








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How to Give a Dog a Pill



1. Wrap in bacon



2. Toss in air